Learning to Live

Do you ever think about what would happen if all your worst fears came true? 
If today was the day your life changed forever? 

I do. 
I'm typically not a morbid person. Honestly. 
But I do struggle with fear. 

"What if, what if, what if".. like a drumbeat in my head. 
I can put myself in tears in seconds with these "what if" thoughts.  
(Maybe I am morbid.)

I'm learning something though. 
Thinking about my worst fears happening and contemplating how I would respond reveals idols in my heart, that fierce grasp on people and things. 

I'm thinking of that phrase I hear often at church:
"When good things become God-things, it's a bad thing." 

Like my husband and our marriage. What a good, good thing.
 (Sure, we have our moments, who doesn't?)
But when I fiercely cling to him or our marriage (for security, identity, purpose), it's hard to breathe. And that breathing,ya know,it's pretty essential for life. 

God could take this. And He would still be good. 

And our son. Another precious blessing. We could do everything right as parents, everything...and God could still take him. 

And God would still be good. 
Because God's goodness isn't dependent on whether I feel/think/admit it. 
Thank God for that. 

If these good things were taken from me, 
would my identity be destroyed, 
my security wiped away? 
Would I rest in God's goodness even then? 

I'm learning to live, not in fear, but with joy, gratitude, intent. 
I'm learning to live, not fiercely clinging to these gifts, but with openhanded wonder, grateful for every moment. 

photo credit: http://www.flickriver.com/photos/digidragon/3046266667/

so many gifts. every moment.