Learning to Live

Do you ever think about what would happen if all your worst fears came true? 
If today was the day your life changed forever? 

I do. 
I'm typically not a morbid person. Honestly. 
But I do struggle with fear. 

"What if, what if, what if".. like a drumbeat in my head. 
I can put myself in tears in seconds with these "what if" thoughts.  
(Maybe I am morbid.)

I'm learning something though. 
Thinking about my worst fears happening and contemplating how I would respond reveals idols in my heart, that fierce grasp on people and things. 

I'm thinking of that phrase I hear often at church:
"When good things become God-things, it's a bad thing." 

Like my husband and our marriage. What a good, good thing.
 (Sure, we have our moments, who doesn't?)
But when I fiercely cling to him or our marriage (for security, identity, purpose), it's hard to breathe. And that breathing,ya know,it's pretty essential for life. 

God could take this. And He would still be good. 

And our son. Another precious blessing. We could do everything right as parents, everything...and God could still take him. 

And God would still be good. 
Because God's goodness isn't dependent on whether I feel/think/admit it. 
Thank God for that. 

If these good things were taken from me, 
would my identity be destroyed, 
my security wiped away? 
Would I rest in God's goodness even then? 

I'm learning to live, not in fear, but with joy, gratitude, intent. 
I'm learning to live, not fiercely clinging to these gifts, but with openhanded wonder, grateful for every moment. 

photo credit: http://www.flickriver.com/photos/digidragon/3046266667/

so many gifts. every moment.

To Write or Not To Write?

That is the question. 

What's my motive in writing? To encourage and bless others, to honor God? Or do I want others to hear ME, see ME, like ME, blah, blah, blah? 

Does the selfish desire for recognition or approval disqualify me from speaking truth? From sharing about the work God is doing in me? 

When I know that my heart and its motives are quite human, should I refuse to push through, to do the hard work [whatever that work might be] until my motives are perfectly pure [which is never]? 

Should I not write in fear that others might perceive me wrongly? 
Should I write with the attitude of "I'm just saying..."? 

I sense that even in my questions, I'm making myself the point. 

I do know this: My new heart desires that Jesus is exalted in my life; that HE is number one. 

I know this too: As a follower of Jesus, there is no time for sloppy living, for haphazard faith and love. 
I must be intentional. 
I will seek after, love, and worship Jesus with intent. 
I will faithfully love and respect my husband with intent. 
I will mother with intent. 
I will be in relationship with intent. 
I will write with intent. 
I will live with intent. 

After all, as that new song says: 
"We are his church. We are the hope on earth." ["Build Your Kingdom Here",Rend Collective Experiment, emphasis mine.]

That is weighty. Really weighty. There are a lot of people without hope these days. Which is a subject for a different day. 


So to write or not to write? 
In good timing, with intent. 
To give hope, to be hope. 
For His glory, not my own.