My heart is full this morning. 

My Facebook feed included a picture of tulips. Soul food, yes. 

And I read this verse this morning: 

"For freedom Christ has set us free: stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1 (ESV)

That is soul food waaaay more than tulips. 

Christ has set us free. Why? For freedom. 

This is freedom from the overwhelming pressure and burden to keep the law, to be enough, yet never succeeding. I feel the weight rising off my chest. I can breathe again. 

This is freedom to acknowledge that I'm not enough; oh, but Jesus is more than enough. I don't have to be everything, HE IS. When He is the foundation of my life, there is peace. I can be secure in WHO HE IS, not uneasily waiting for my less than perfect identity to crumble.

This is freedom to relinquish my accomplishments, status, the prizes that I cling to so desperately. I (we) carefully construct identities to portray all the best; to protect and hide the inner ugly. Will I even admit the ugly? In Christ, I can rest in his accomplishment, his status. I live faithfully where God has placed me, but know that ultimately who I am is not about me. That is very good news. 

This is freedom to love freely, serve without recognition, sacrifice willingly, suffer without fear. I am guilty of loving only for something in return; of serving only when I will be noticed (or serving with a grumpy heart when no one notices); "sacrificing" grudgingly; suffering with the fear that somehow I messed up, I didn't do (whatever) good enough and this is punishment. When who I am is found in Christ, life changes. It's not about me. 

This is freedom to rest knowing that as I focus on Jesus, He will guide me. He will correct me. Is correction fun? No. But how good of God to convict me, to call me to repentance, to turn me around! Will I rest in God's love for me, his acceptance of me because of Jesus, his desire for me to walk in obedience? When I can rest in that knowledge, there is great peace and great desire to hear, follow, obey. 

Yes, soul food. 

So, what are you doing today? 

Zane and I are hanging out in our pjs and contemplating washing the dishes and trying to decide what we should make for supper. 

I hope you are blessed, encouraged, and at rest in Christ today. 

Planning Menus

What's on your dinner menu for this week? 

[I might need ideas.]

Actually, I just sat down last night and wrote down 5 ideas for suppers this week. Yes, I know, there are 7 days in a week, not only 5. But Sunday nights are grab-and-growl [get/fix/make your own] and I'm sure we'll have leftovers for at least one night, so there we go: 5 meals. 

I like to try to use things I have on hand so I don't have to buy tons of groceries. 
So, here goes: 

#1: Spaghetti and meatballs (lots of meat, peppers, onion and mushrooms per the husband's request) 

-venison from the freezer
-homemade sauce (yay for canning!)
-fire roasted peppers and onions (hanging out in the freezer for a few weeks now)
-canned mushrooms (a staple at this house)
-spaghetti 

#2: Sausage gravy and biscuits (comfort food at its finest, yes please!) 

-sausage from the freezer
-milk and flour to make gravy
-flour,salt,baking powder,milk and oil for biscuits (already in my cupboard!)
My personal touch to this menu is to drizzle with syrup (yummmmm)

#3: Meatloaf and potatoes (easy enough and my husband is a meat and potatoes man)

-meatloaf from the freezer (I made a big batch of mini meatloaves [not sure why?] but it's time to use them)
-potatoes (mash,bake,whatever…probably depends on Zane's nap for the day)

#4: Chicken, broccoli, and carrot stirfry (and any other vegetable I find laying around)

-Frozen chicken breast 
-Frozen broccoli
-Big bag of carrots that need to be used
-Season with butter, garlic, and/or any other spices in my cupboard

#5: Pizza (this is the go-to meal here) 

-homemade crust (easy,peasy)
-homemade sauce (Mom's recipe is the best)
-peppers/onions/mushrooms/bacon bits 
-pepperoni 

-and the only item I had to buy to complete this weeks menu: CHEESE. for the pizza. (it's pretty much a staple) 

I did buy a few other things: milk, eggs, coffee, oatmeal, bananas, Wheat Thins (if you care to know). I strongly dislike grocery shopping more than once a week so if I'm running low on things we eat a lot, I buy it and it can wait in the pantry or fridge for a few days. 
I'm finding that when I take a few minutes to write down ideas, my grocery shopping is much more organized and I actually get what we need, not just what looks good as I meander down the aisles. 

Share the love. Share your menus. :) 
Happy Monday. 

Learning to Live

Do you ever think about what would happen if all your worst fears came true? 
If today was the day your life changed forever? 

I do. 
I'm typically not a morbid person. Honestly. 
But I do struggle with fear. 

"What if, what if, what if".. like a drumbeat in my head. 
I can put myself in tears in seconds with these "what if" thoughts.  
(Maybe I am morbid.)

I'm learning something though. 
Thinking about my worst fears happening and contemplating how I would respond reveals idols in my heart, that fierce grasp on people and things. 

I'm thinking of that phrase I hear often at church:
"When good things become God-things, it's a bad thing." 

Like my husband and our marriage. What a good, good thing.
 (Sure, we have our moments, who doesn't?)
But when I fiercely cling to him or our marriage (for security, identity, purpose), it's hard to breathe. And that breathing,ya know,it's pretty essential for life. 

God could take this. And He would still be good. 

And our son. Another precious blessing. We could do everything right as parents, everything...and God could still take him. 

And God would still be good. 
Because God's goodness isn't dependent on whether I feel/think/admit it. 
Thank God for that. 

If these good things were taken from me, 
would my identity be destroyed, 
my security wiped away? 
Would I rest in God's goodness even then? 

I'm learning to live, not in fear, but with joy, gratitude, intent. 
I'm learning to live, not fiercely clinging to these gifts, but with openhanded wonder, grateful for every moment. 

photo credit: http://www.flickriver.com/photos/digidragon/3046266667/

so many gifts. every moment.

To Write or Not To Write?

That is the question. 

What's my motive in writing? To encourage and bless others, to honor God? Or do I want others to hear ME, see ME, like ME, blah, blah, blah? 

Does the selfish desire for recognition or approval disqualify me from speaking truth? From sharing about the work God is doing in me? 

When I know that my heart and its motives are quite human, should I refuse to push through, to do the hard work [whatever that work might be] until my motives are perfectly pure [which is never]? 

Should I not write in fear that others might perceive me wrongly? 
Should I write with the attitude of "I'm just saying..."? 

I sense that even in my questions, I'm making myself the point. 

I do know this: My new heart desires that Jesus is exalted in my life; that HE is number one. 

I know this too: As a follower of Jesus, there is no time for sloppy living, for haphazard faith and love. 
I must be intentional. 
I will seek after, love, and worship Jesus with intent. 
I will faithfully love and respect my husband with intent. 
I will mother with intent. 
I will be in relationship with intent. 
I will write with intent. 
I will live with intent. 

After all, as that new song says: 
"We are his church. We are the hope on earth." ["Build Your Kingdom Here",Rend Collective Experiment, emphasis mine.]

That is weighty. Really weighty. There are a lot of people without hope these days. Which is a subject for a different day. 


So to write or not to write? 
In good timing, with intent. 
To give hope, to be hope. 
For His glory, not my own. 

Transitioning

Since the last post on here left us in Guatemala, I think it's fair to let you know that we did actually arrive back home safe and sound in October. And for some odd reason, it bothers me that the blog was just left hanging in limbo. So I decided a few nights ago, while I was up in the middle of the night with our newborn son, that I have to transition the blog back to the States. If I never post again, at least the last blog post and our current life is in the same country.

I also decided in the middle of the night that I don't like the word transitions. Part of the dislike is due to a required class in nursing school called Transitions in Nursing. It was an awful class; incredibly boring but with required projects that involved public speaking. I don't enjoy public speaking. At all. The other part of the dislike of this word is probably related to this question:
 "How has the transition been back to the States?" 

My mind always blanks and I frantically wonder what I should say. I'll try to answer that here, because here I can sit and think and type and then backspace until I actually write what I feel about this transitioning period in our life. (I don't mind the word transitioning. Chalk it up to a weird quirk.)

Some wise people who visited us in Guatemala said this: "If you are simply aware that life will be different: you have changed, your family and friends have changed, your church has changed; life has moved on in your absence....the transition will be easier."

They were right.
So here are some of the thoughts that run through my brain quite rapidly when asked about transition.

Sometimes I still can't believe that our parents live only 15 minutes away. That we can drive over and spend the evening with them, enjoy a cup of coffee together. I remember fighting back tears when we first came home and would get together with our families. I was overjoyed to be with them again, and yet I wondered where I belonged. I remember being desperately ready to go home, to just be me and Josh, to be quiet. And I am thankful now for a gracious family who gave us space while surrounding us with love; and certainly we have found our niche again.

And quietness. Blessed, blissful quietness. I learned to appreciate that like never before in Guatemala. Since coming back to the States, I have really noticed our lack of quietness. I get very tired thinking of all the podcasts, sermons, radio this or that, blogs, books that I should listen to or read. And they are good things. I admit, I have this thing about things that everyone is listening to or reading or watching. Like reading Karen Kingsbury novels or watching Duck Dynasty or reading the book "Jesus Calling". I tend to shy away (thats probably putting it mildly; ask my women's group) from a thing, even if its good, if everyone and their neighbor is talking about it. And yes, I realize this says something about my heart. Probably something not nice. I suppose the rambling point I'm trying to make is that I still haven't figured out how to balance quietness, all the voices, and the good, good things God has laid on much, much wiser people's hearts to share with his Church.

I don't even know if that makes sense in my own head. gah.

I appreciate church like never before. Corporate worship. The Gospel in my own language. Quite frequently, my throat closes and my eyes swim at the overwhelming goodness of God in blessing us with church, with community. This is not to say that the overwhelming goodness of God is not present in services where my language is not spoken, because I have also experienced that. But Josh and I didn't regularly attend church in Guatemala, for various reasons; and it has been delightful and soul-feeding to be home and be a part of the church here.

Then there is the hardest one of all. The part that makes the screen blur in front of me even now.
The kids in Guatemala.
I miss them so much. Sometimes they made me want to pull my hair out and say bad words. But they are forever a part of my life. Some days it's worse. I can feel Josue's chubby cheeks and hear Isaac beller and see Jacob come running. I can hear the insanely ridiculous arguments about which cup belongs to who and who didn't empty the dishwasher and who left the toy truck outside and who found out and who it belongs to now. I want to pass out more hugs and tell them more how amazingly special and precious each one is.
And with the very recent arrival of our son, my heart aches even more for those babies and children who are uncelebrated, uncherished; and for those babies who never even have the chance to be born. It takes my breath away and I want to be a part of bringing God's love and mercy to these with no voice. I wonder how God will use us, our family in "setting the solitary in families." (Psalm 68:6)

So, how has the transition back to the States been?
Good, hard, and gracious.
And I've decided that transitioning will never end. It's a good thing. Hard, but good.
I want to gracefully embrace transitioning; allow it to constantly drive me to the Gospel, to the heart of God.

Kitchen Cupboards

Once upon a time, there was a kitchen.
And in this kitchen, some wire racks lived. They were sad racks, frequently cluttered and in disarray.

(with 30 kids in a house, the racks were quite busy)
But a rescue was coming.
Plans were drawn.

Wood was cut.

And then there was a great day off of school when Thing 1 and Thing 2 were constructed. Well, started anyway.

And after much hard work by the handsome man, the wire racks were allowed to retire to the laundry room and sturdy Thing 1 and strong Thing 2 stand proudly, with space available for all. (All the dishes, that is)

And the kitchen felt better. (Well, I did anyway.) ha.
They might get doors yet, in case you wondered.

And a few more snapshots of what's been happening here:
Mudslide! No more canyon road! yesssss. (just pleased stay closed until after October 9!)

Making bread...

and cupcakes. (There are about 20 up close and personal cupcake shots on the camera; the girls were a little picture happy) 

Here's one for proof. 

Moto rides...

And the adorable (now that they aren't barking in the house in the middle of the night) dogs who dig holes under the fence and rip the laundry off the line and destroy my attempts at potted plants.

We officially are under a month til takeoff.
And we are excited about that!
Please keep us in your prayers as we say goodbye here and transition back to life at home.

"Big Kids" 

Verrrry proud of my students this past month. They achieved 125 grades over 80% so we celebrated with a campfire and marshmallows and games. It was a good time, followed by star gazing at the pista(runway).

Suly, Vidalia, Yelsi and me

 Lucia and Maria

Jeamy and Saul

 Stargazing!

Angelito reading to Rosa

 4th graders doing Art! Lucia, Vidalia, Maria and Jhostin

These four have improved tremendously since last year and I am so proud of them! They have a pretty big workload and are consistently doing well with their homework! 

Jeamy, Angel and Saul

(really enjoying teaching these three this year! Jeamy and I spend lots of time discussing touring Europe, Russian orphanages, Hinduism, the defeat of the Spanish Armada, and other important topics. Saul and Angel mostly teach me about the Gospel. (translation: test my patience) Angel would tell you that he enjoys pushing "big red buttons." Their expanding knowledge is very rewarding.)

Isai:

He just finished studying the heart and lungs in Science. After a fun, detailed explanation of the amazing way the heart works, his only question was: "Miss Donna, do bees have bones?" 

Me: "Did you hear anything I just said?"

Isai: *blank look* "ummm....." 

These are the kiddos I spend most of my time with Monday through Friday. I will miss them incredibly when we leave. Per Saul: "My heart will break in two when Mr. Josh and Miss Donna leave." 

Yes, child, probably mine too. 

Pray for us that we would finish well. We are excited and scared and all that about coming home in October, but we also want to BE here while we are here. Pray that we would pour Jesus into all the teaching moments we have with the kiddos. Pray that THEY could begin to understand that regardless of who comes into their lives and who leaves that they have a Faithful Father. 

"Faithful, forever you are faithful....Father to the fatherless" 

That's our prayer." 

BEACH TRIP! 

Great times. It was hot and sticky and there were a bajillion bugs. And lukewarm water to drink. But it was good. Taking twenty some people to the beach is an excursion, to say the least. The kids did so well and everyone was sleepy and beached out when we got home. And then it was back to school! yay! Enjoy the pics. 

< Mercedes

Josue >

Jhostin, Josh, and Angel >

<Yelsi, Josue, Isaac, and Angelito 

Josue >

sand. everywhere. >

< me and Jhostin soaking up the shade. 

me, Lucia, and Josue >

<Josh, Jacob, and Suly 

< Josh, Jacob, and Angel

< pool time

chilling in the hammocks >

< love. 

Hope you enjoyed the pictures. We were all happy to come back to the cooler mountain air. After we got home, I realized most of my pictures were of the babies....probably cause they are just too cute. Next time, it's the school kids turn! 

Have a great week! 

                                 

Missionaries

I recently read an online conversation regarding the need for a couple to commit to a certain ministry. This was included: "..the couple would need to be willing to lay down their life and as Jesus said, 'follow Him'."

It didn't resonate well with me.
Here's why.

I sense a feeling/belief/thought that unless someone goes to a foreign mission field, he is not truly laying down his life or following Jesus. Maybe his dedication should be questioned.

I also sense a feeling/belief/thought that those who go into foreign missions are spiritually advanced, mighty prayer warriors, and unshakeable.

Both are lies.
I know people who prove the first one false.
And the second one: well, I do a good myself of proving that one wrong.

Now granted, there might be people at home who truly are not laying down their lives for Jesus. And there are foreign missionaries who are mighty prayer warriors. (As for spiritually advanced and unshakeable....I'm not sure if those humans will ever attain those qualities during a lifetime. Perfectly, no. Increasingly, yes. But that's a different topic.)

In certain circumstances, I believe that those who remain at home have a more difficult cross to bear. In modern United States, living a dedicated life as a Jesus-follower is hard. Finances, possessions, media, stress.....everything is screaming at you to just go with the flow. You have to fight, hard, to not be sucked into the vacuum of luxury, ease, comfort, pleasure, me, me, me.
Don't ever believe that because you remain at home that you haven't attained some spiritual plane.
Your faithful witness at your job, in your home (stay-at-home-moms, you are my heroes!), in your community, in your youth group, at your school, at your kid's school compels those around you to seek what you have.

And to foreign missionaries: You too need to fight against the me, me, me thing. It's far better to admit that you don't have it all together; that sometimes (often) you are wrong. Yes, I'm mostly talking to me here. I'm more selfish than you who stay at home are. I guarantee it. And last week, I was mad at Josh for not letting me have the computer (a gift) when I wanted it. In the middle of indigenous Guatemala. Lame, very lame.
You'd think I would be down the lane in the village, passing out alms to feed the poor and binding up wounds with one hand, while cooking beans over an open fire with my other hand. But no, I'm trying to think of a way that I can eat the last bag of M&Ms without Josh finding out.

Josh and I are returning home in October. Five months. And while I'M ABSOLUTELY EXCITED ABOUT THIS, I'm also afraid, cause people, I don't know if I have what it takes to faithfully navigate the culture. Faithfully being the key word. Before we came here, we went to church, loved it, read our Bibles. But I'm not sure we were faithful in terms of finances, possessions, media, stress. Our time here has really opened my eyes to the courage, wisdom, and strength required to live faithfully in the States. It has been a journey and it will continue. And I'm mostly excited, cause I know Someone who is absolutely faithful and Who knows how to live faithfully surrounded by culture.

Mostly I want you to know this: Do not be guilted into foreign missions by believing that you have not yet laid down your life by remaining at home. You are a missionary already. In your house. At your job. In your community. You can pick up your cross and follow Jesus right where you are at. And know this too: If God is calling you to foreign missions, He will make it clear.

Wherever you are, missionary, we bless you.
Josh & Donna

Topic #1
I don't get why God decided to love me; decided to give me faith to believe; and set me in a family that also believes. Unfathomable gift, that those I love most have also been gifted faith to believe.
Thank you, Jesus.
And it boggles my brain that because of Jesus, God completely loves me, accepts me, approves me. I belong. I belong. I belong. It's a craving in my heart. Love poured out on me, overwhelming and completely.

I want to live everyday in that love and acceptance.
I want to spend this life that I've been given giving that love and acceptance to others.

The worse part is that it sounds way better on paper than it looks in the everyday, or my everyday:
When not one single person comments on my status update....deflated.
When I raise my voice at a baby for whatever hair-brained reason....failure.
When the only email for a week is from a credit card company...forgotten.
When I sarcastically hand out homework to a problem student...way to hand out love there, Donna.

I'm not doing so well. I still want people's approval, acceptance, all that.
But I don't have to be awesome. Jesus is. And He loves me.
I'll rest in that.
And for as long as it takes (entire life, really) I'm going to engage. Jesus first. Me last.

 Topic #2


My orphans here in Guatemala are trapped by a senseless legal system. Yes, yes, I know there are corrupted individuals who must be stopped. But since the latest adoption law has passed here, all of 38 or so adoptions have been finalized. And 300 (I think that's the correct number) families are waiting in the States, separated from their children who are growing up here because the new law totally interrupted the adoptions already in process. It's been four years. I know a family whose home was ripped apart by this law. The CNA (adoption agency) placed a foster child in their home; the family filed for adoption. But no, because Guatemalan law stipulates that perspective adoptive parents may not have had any contact at all with the child, they cannot adopt her. It sounds like a cruel joke. Lawyers and staff inside the CNA were trying desperately to find a loophole; they were fighting each other. But no, the law is the law. And it's a bad one. Meanwhile, rumor has it that the top two guys in the CNA are selling babies. Side business, you know. Somehow there are loopholes for heinous crimes like that, but its impossible for a foster child to be adopted by her foster family. Insane. 


I'm about to start waging warfare against this law. I don't know how, honestly, but it's insane. 


I want these kids to experience the unconditional love and acceptance of God through the power of families. 
And if they never experience adoption, I want them to remember that for the brief time I was a part of their everyday life, that I gave them love, unconditionally and unfailingly. 
Oh God, help me. 
The big kids will remember more. 
And I pray the babies will remember the hugs, the squeezes, the whispered words of love. Know they are loved. 

Topic #3 
Happy Mother's Day to my mom! 
I love you. 
I'm thankful you are my mom. 

Update: Numero Dos

Can you believe it? Two posts. One week. Has to be a new record.

This post is devoted entirely to the babies, who are no longer babies,  but will always be "the babies" in my eyes.
I love them. And I would pack them all up with me and bring them home in about two seconds if I could. If being the operative word. I was cuddling Jacob a few days ago and as I looked into his adorably huge eyes, I could only wonder if it would be possible to sedate him, pack him in a bag, and sneak him into the States. Still working on the logical aspect of that.
Now that that's clear, here goes.

Ladies first.
Rebecca Mercedes: a.ka. Mercedes, Mercy, Merci beaucoup, and Mercedes Benz (very creative, yes?)
She's a handful. And a drama queen. And so precious it about makes my heart hurt. Her favorite pastime is following the boys all around the room and grabbing their toys, picking squabbles. She has just recently started walking confidently; I could watch her toddle around all day long. It's that cute.

And she loves Josh.

Next, we have Boy #1. Isaac Roberto: a.k.a. Krunk, Krunkies, and Caveman (for his frequent grunting noises) Not lying.
This chunky little guy is also walking quite well. I almost get tears when I see him walking around--we about despaired of him ever walking! He used to scream when we sat him up, scream even louder when we stood him up, and when we tried to stand him and let go, oh, that was real bad. Now he is so pleased with himself and almost always walks around with a huge grin on his face! He's started to shake his head yes and no appropriately and everything is "muuuum."

Boy #2. Josue Antonio: a.k.a. Jeshua and Little Joshua
This little one is as cute as ever. He's been walking now for awhile and is quite confident in escaping through the gate in the living room. He just recently started to say Josh's name, and yes, its quite precious. He hates to eat chicken and vegetables and has a pleasant little habit of stuffing his mouth with food and then launching it out later. Josue is a little bit smaller than the other boys and frequently resorts to biting to get his way.

No fruits and veggies for this guy. He prefers dirt. 

Boy #3. Jacobo Daniel: a.k.a. Jakers
Jacob is starting to talk more and more. I am officially "na-na". He manages to get the "d" in every so often, but mostly it's just "na-na". When he sees Josh, he holds his hands up like asking where and says "na-na." And yes, it officially melts my heart. He also wails quite loudly if Josh leaves the room. He eats faster, drinks faster, runs faster, walks faster than all the other babies. He's definitely an on-the-go type. He routinely pulls off his socks so that we can play This Little Piggy and claps enthusiastically when we sing.

This picture is dark, but that smile is worth it. 

Boy #4. Mynor (I can't remember his middle name). He used to be called Mynor the Whiner but not so much anymore and I am glad for that. It just wasn't pleasant.
Mynor and I love to sing together. He is learning how to do the motions and even to sing/hum/make noise along with me. When we sing My God is So Big, he cups his hands to his mouth and shouts BIG and it just melts my heart. He loves to read books and would be happy if stay in the library all day long. He loves when Josh and the older boys wrestle and tries to jump right in and help Josh. He is a smart little guy and I love to watch his knowledge expand!

Don't be deceived. A very loud yell can come out of this sweet little guy. 

Josh and I don't spend as much time with the babies since we moved to the other house, but we babysit every Wednesday and any nights when everyone else goes to church. I miss not seeing them as much, but the time we have with them now is so much more precious.

You can pray with us for the babies as they grow:
-that their development would progress well
-that the laws would change and they could be adopted (this just about goes without saying, but I'll keep reminding you in case you forget)
-that they would grow into children who love Jesus and know His love for them
-that they would be protected from any spiritual, physical, or emotional abuse.


Thank you to each of you who prays for us and these precious children. It means so much.
p.s. Photo credits to Katie and Emily, the superbly awesome volunteers.